Sunday, April 6, 2014

And then it was over.

I read this article today about ugly truths of modern dating, #1 was "the person who cares less has all the power".

Today also officially ended my 3 year relationship. And damn that article hit me. I've always loved like I was taught to love, like I was loved by my family. Openly, whole-heartedly, and without contest. Despite modern times I send snail mail, I make phone calls, and I believe in love. I also didn't hold the power.

Our relationship ended because he didn't know what he wanted. There are a million of options out there and in the end I was just an option. And I'd rather be nothing over an option.

Then this hit my instagram feed.

This is a Great Truth: Life is Difficult via Ashley Hackshaw / Lil Blue Boo #quote M. Scott Peck Road Less Traveled
I'll be heading to Texas. To a state I've only been in twice, both times with a boy I thought I had a future with. I'll be creating a new future without him. I'll be hitting a killer learning curve. I'll probably cry. I may adopt the ugliest mutt dog I can find. But I'm not going to stop being who I am. I'm not going to degrade myself to the level of an option. 

Life is difficult. Love is difficult. But I'm still better off hurt, sad, and motivated.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Doors, Windows, and Other Beginning-Ending Metaphors

I moved to Atlanta for grad school and a boy. It made sense to follow education, ambition, and love. I graduated, started job searching and 'the love' was moved to Houston for a new job.

Yesterday I got a job offer working for a great nonprofit which helps people with a rare genetic disease, in Houston. I ecstatically told 'the love'. He said congrats and followed it up with a sentence about how he was deciding if he wanted to be in a relationship. 8 days shy of our 3 year anniversary, on the day of my announcement of a job offer in Houston, he suddenly has doubts. Pushing the facts about all the times he had to vocalize this, including the 3 interviews I had with them, away I was shocked and then pissed and then sad.

Giving myself about 8 hours to cry, I quickly realized 2 things.  (and my quickly I mean after I talked to my mama; strong women raise strong women)

1) You can't make someone love you. And you shouldn't have to try. I've invested every part of myself in my relationship. Need someone at 4 am at the airport? I'm there. Always. I'm not perfect by any means but for all of my flaws, I'm there.

2) I want this job. I want it enough to move to a new city where I wouldn't know a single human being. I want it enough to push my comfort zone to a new part of the country.

That said, I don't know what 'the love' is thinking. He needs time to decide what he wants to do. I'm giving him the time and the space and meanwhile I'm looking out for what I want. I'm not made of stone but I'm strong.

I'm sharing this because I can't do marathon texts. I can't do 20 phone calls. I'm not Facebooking my life and I don't want you to. I'm focused. I have a list. And dammit I have the best damn village ever. You are my people. I need you, I love you, and I appreciate you.